Suck My Blue Balls, Kevin Kietzman

Earlier this late evening/early morning, I read that the ever benevolent fake Twitter account, FakeNedYost, wrote a post about his reasons for no longer listening to KK's afternoon drive show, Between The Lines. I'll admit, while growing up, KK has been the premier radio personality in the metro area, hell, he's the messiah to be quite honest. He took something that truly was nothing and created radio gold, he un-Don Fortune'd the entire city. But if you've listened for the past year or so, he has been turning his entire show into a big infomercial for the most part. Cookie Diet this, Mortgage company this, BBQ advice with some blogger who bought time that. This guy has basically turned his show into one big late night local news station open commercial hour. But that's not my current issue with him, no not at all, my real issue is for him being a tremendous asshat about soccer, it's rise in the US and him being the crotchety old man that he is.

His Twitter account(Yes, I can't believe that with the way he acts about anything that's new and exciting that he has a Twitter account) is http://twitter.com/kkwhb, which I'm surprised doesn't have more ad tweets for the Cookie Diet. As a major member of local media, he obviously had tickets to the Sporting KC home opener Thursday night. Usually if you have nothing nice to say in the field, you bullshit and say nice things anyways, after all, he's been doing it for the Chiefs and Royals for a number of years now. Let us now go through each major tweet from that night and I'll make some comments on his attitude.

"This park is really something to see. Amazing what u can build from the ground up." Nice respectful tweet, something expected and truthful. The joint really is amazing. Nothing to say bad here.

"Ok... We have a mascot... It looks like we're the dogs." I should note before continuing, his major issue with the team is the lack of the name. Him and Jack Harry are really the only two local sports journalists who care about the name. They are Sporting Kansas City, they have been the Wizards, they will always be the Wizards, think of it as an official name to say similar to Manchester United as the Red Devils and Arsenal as the Gunners. But because this America and everything should be American, we must have an official name, right? I will give him one thing, the mascot stinks. Dynamo was awful, had no actual connection to the club really, but Blue has even less. I want to be in that meeting with that suggestion, "Guys, we have no real mascot but we need one so 4 years olds can go batshit crazy whenever he's around, but I can't come up with anything, you got something?" "Hmm, we must have a Weimaraner!" Gimme a break. Moving on before I start to turn into him.

"Sporting Canines?" SHADDUP!

"Jackass Chicago fans beating drums and shouting over Lance Armstrong. I feel a houligan brawl coming." Truly disrespectful what the traveling supporters did. Let the ownership and the main face of the Livestrong brand have their moment. We only had one chance to ever simply enjoy that moment and it was wonderful. I could hear the speech from the Member's Stand but apparently it really messed up the ability for those in the southern part of the West Stand and most of the South Stand from hearing any of it. Ok, second part.

We're not fucking hooligans, well, most of us. I've had friends ask me how many fights I get into at games. I don't, ever, I don't want to, ever. I worked my ass off at Target during the fall and winter to pay off my season tickets and I'm proud of that fact. The last thing I want is to be kicked out and banned for fighting at a game or in the parking lot. This is not late 70's-early 80's England. This is not Millwall-West Ham. This was two potential regional rivals who were well guarded from each other at both games with only a few wannabe hooligans who might fight. Don't expect a fight from us, ever.

"Too close to Chicago fans... Not joking... They started a fire and they're booted! This is nuts!" That's right, you don't follow our rules, you're out, no questions asked. The same thing would be done about fighting, so learn the rules my friend.

"For the record, we didn't start the fire." You can see how out of date this guy is, still thinking Billy Joel references are cool.

"That was the single most dangerous thing I have ever seen at sporting event. We are all very lucky. Full prosecution please." Flares and smoke bombs will not set the place on fire, might burn some folks but they are generally safe. It's against the rules but this is nothing like a stand collapse or anything else. I'm sorry KK that this wasn't a nice and cozy, boring, drawn out event like a Royals game is, it's not my fault that we pack in a nice little punch in 90 minutes.

"What's up with all the trash and fireworks debris? This is all just as odd as it can be." The streamers were stupid, that was majority of the "trash" at this point, pre Bravo PK no call. I agree that there shouldn't have been given either that much streamers given out or any at all, but it's part of the game. The team had stewards and security whose job is the clean it up as soon as possible, so if it's anyone's fault, it's theirs.

"Stadium seats are very big. 2 inches wider than royals and chiefs?" "There is also more knee room than any other place I've been." Best seats in the world. NYRB had em first in the US but they truly are the best that you can get. And they are fairly bigger than the Chiefs and Royals, especially when you are sitting between two 300-400+ pound Samoans at a Chiefs playoffs game. I was a sandwich by the end but at least those guys kept me warm for the first half before they were too drunk to stay and bailed.

"They are able to save a bunch of money on scoreboards and clocks. Don't really need them now do we?" Well aren't you clever? We don't need TV timeouts either, so why point it out?

"Letting visiting fans bring in drums and horns and pyrotechnics is a tradition and a horrible policy all in one. Ez to see why there's fights." We did it in Chicago and Denver. Chicago, didn't really matter since the Fire supporters were separated from us at all times but there were confrontations. In Denver, we tailgated before and after the game with the Rapids supporters. Our drums and such didn't start any fights, neither did my mean words towards one particular guy who I later had a beer and a laugh with after the game. It sounds like Kietz has seen Green Street one too many times, well, nevermind, he hates the sport so he probably wouldn't even bother. Probably got all of his soccer knowledge from Eurotrip.

"Curtis Kelly would be a great soccer player. What? Me? Foul on me?" Had to make a K-State reference so he didn't completely panic and feel out of his norm. I'm fairly certain that his wedding vows had mentions of Bill Snyder so he didn't piss his pants at the altar.

"Amazingly, fans wait in their seat until halftime before rushing to snack bar and bathrooms. KC should discount stuff while clock is ticking. Lines 40 deep." It's because there is actual stuff going on. Action, excitement, this is what pre-processed and fast food USA looked like, even your beloved football. I get in there, I enjoy a beer or two, stand in my section, chant for 45, use the restroom and get another beer or water at half for 15, another 45 of the same and then I'm done for the night. If I'm having someone else drive me home, I can tell them an exact time to pick me up, unlike at a Royals or Chiefs game, where it can be anywhere from "Pick me up at 3:30" to "I might be home in a week or so, we've entered extra innings/overtime". Isn't it such a shocking concept Kietz, that people can wait 45 minutes before gorging themselves full of nachos and beer again?

"Seems to me its easiest sport ever to miss a couple minutes." Says the guy who enjoys to argue about a sport where the manager can come out at any time to ask his pitcher how the arm is handling. Each game, I watch every moment, phone off or silent, ignored until half or after the game, because there is so much action. Are we sure that he didn't just pretend to go to the game and instead cried in front of the Powercat for 2 hours?

"Man I hope that Chicago player is ok. Oh, wait, Ray Lewis didn't hit him. He's fine. Jogging now. More stoppage time!" While I am not a big fan on the faking of selling injuries, this was plain stupid. Can this man not ignore football for 2 hours?

"Seriously Bravo... Get up." This is where it gets real. The timing of this tweet matches the same moment of the Bratislav Ristic attempted killing of Bravo. The fact that if he wouldn't have jumped in time, his leg would probably be in pieces and he still got injured from it. I take it he didn't see the Brian Mullen tackle on Steve Zakulani did he? Bravo was genuinely hurt, but because this is not football and the only true injury is when you see the guy's leg backwards and near death, he needed to get up. Whip out the spray, right Kietz?

"Sporting KC Blue Heelers. That's a dog, right? Or Blue's Clues." Serious injury on the pitch and he's still concerned with what the name is. I personally call for the team to be further known as "Sporting Kansas City Kevin Kietzman Is A F*cking Moron Who Rambles About His Cookie Diets".

"Tune in tomorrow. I have to collect my thoughts. D-oh." I didn't listen to it, that's too bad. I had better things to do, water a tomato, put a cactus out for some sun, then look directly in the sun, wishing for some rain so I could drown myself instead. This fool can't figure out why his ratings are finally starting to drop, in his reply to FakeNedYost, he said it was because the Royals are not doing well. HE BLAMED THE ROYALS! Get a clue KK.

"Ok, here's why I shouldn't tweet. My wife says they should be Sporting KC Blue Balls. They try so hard but just can't score." It all comes full circle on the naming choice. It is true, we are deep, probably the most offensively stacked team in the MLS, but we have no midfield and the defenders are playing the long ball all game because of it. I want more goals, but not like you, you want wins or losses, no ties. This is America dammit, you are either a winner or a loser. Foolish old man, you have no idea do you?

And that's where it ends, I predict that he finally got tired of actually giving up brain cells to a Eurosnob sport after all. I don't really like Nick Wright, he has a nasally voice and is a bit of a douche in real life, but at least he's more knowledgeable and open to other sports than the big two in the city. If Nick stopped talking about the Miami Heat and started talking more about the Wizards, I would give him more of a listen, so would many others. So how about it, is it finally time for old man Kietz to go? FakeNedYost and I are in the same boat, albeit different reasons, but at least neither of us are on the Cookie Diet.